JEALOUSY IN THE RELATIONSHIP – WHEN IS IT OKAY?

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You've accidentally seen your boyfriend talking to his ex-girlfriend somewhere. You've also seen him scrolling through his Instagram feed of alluring women in revealing clothes. He spends more time playing video games than giving his full attention to you in his free time. He hangs out with his friends without you very often. Are these actions enough to admit that you are jealous?

They say that there is no true love without jealousy.  However, when do we know that we have reached an acceptable level when it comes to jealousy? Is it healthy in a relationship?

The root of jealousy - envy.

Search on Google and you'll find the word 'envious' on its definition. Showing resentment to yourself - that you were not able to get what you wanted and seeing someone else getting it – is also jealousy. If your partner did not give you the attention you want and saw that it was given to another person will lead to it. Whether you recognize it or not, envy is the start of jealousy in a relationship.

In a study done by Chapman University1, heterosexual men are more concerned about their partner committing sexual infidelity, while women fear their man of committing emotional infidelity. The study shows that women get jealous more easily compared to men, whenever they see their man's emotional needs fulfilled by another person. We can assume that men have a hard time proving sexual infidelity as it would require a physical connection.

Related topic: 8 BEST HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP RULES IN TODAY'S WORLD

Are you being jealous, or just concerned?

There are few possible causes of where jealousy comes from. It could be from having low self-esteem, dependence on your partner (including being possessive and very attached), needs that are not met, bad experiences from past relationship/s, and neuroticism (a type of personality trait in psychology where a person experience feelings of jealousy, anxiety, fear, and the likes more often). Assessing how you will react in comparison with the facts will help you distinguish if it is jealousy or you are just concerned.

In some cases, jealousy makes you start to believe in unreasonable thoughts even there are possible different scenarios that could happen. Let's say, for example, your husband recently spends more time at work. One day, he came home telling you that he saw his ex-girlfriend on his way home. He told you that they had a short conversation and left to go their separate ways. Did you start thinking if they did anything else other than talking? Do you start being investigative or start talking about it with him?

Being concerned while having the feeling of jealousy would mean that you wanted the relationship to improve. Go back to the first paragraph of this article. If your partner’s actions have greatly affected your bond, your desire to take an action and talk to him will show your concern. Jealousy is more of saying and expressing, than doing something about it.

Is jealousy healthy in a relationship?

Just like in most things, having too much can take its toll on you. The same goes with the feeling of jealousy, where being too envious or resentful can lead to the worst. However, if taken lightly but seriously, expressing the feeling of jealousy to your partner has its benefits.

If you are jealous and realized that you have low confidence, use the feeling of resentment as a motivation to improve yourself. Seeing your partner scrolling through sexy photos of celebrities and influencers on social media? Start working out or creating a diet meal plan. Wanted to look better? Consider having a skincare routine. In this way, you can be at your best by filling the gaps of your insecurities and boost your self-esteem.

Always doubting your partner's actions? A hint of jealousy may not be bad by letting her/him know. Make sure to do it at the right time, when your partner is open to discussing the emotional side of your relationship. Having a regular conversation about what you feel about his/her doubtful actions could help. Once you have talked about it, be open in what actions you can take where you can feel assurance with your commitment to each other.

Letting your significant other knows that you are jealous can also show that you don't want to lose her/him. If you value your relationship, expressing your jealousy can be proof of being protective, that you care, and love the person.

How to deal with it

Constant feeling of being jealous is not good, therefore it is better to start removing them from your habits or listen to what your gut is telling you. Ask for an assurance from your partner that he/she will help in dealing with your jealousy. You can also make a self-assessment to know if you are being reasonable every time you felt jealous.

Encourage your partner to talk about your relationship every now and then. Check if there are needs that are not met and how to fulfill them. Learn how to deal with insecurities by asking each other why you are feeling them. Be honest to your partner and tell what you really feel.

On the other side, if your partner is telling you that he/she is jealous of someone (or something), the first step on how to deal with it is by listening. Proper communication plays a great role in understanding what you truly feel. Be prepared to hear words that you may not like, and don’t act on them right away. Learn to ask the right questions at the right time during the conversation. Consider each other's feelings while calmly listening.

...Or if you want to stop being jealous.

People sometimes see jealousy as a very negative trait and wanted it out of their system for good. It could be a challenge, especially if you are already used to it (perhaps due to previous relationships). Even though it is also a sign that the relationship matters, some perceive it as a hindrance to having a smooth sailing romance.

As a part of being sensitive to each other’s emotions, manage to lower your expectations in order not to be disappointed. You can start by making a list of what you always expect from your partner, and start crossing out those that are not realistic. Consider your partner’s capabilities and reservations as well. For example, don’t expect your wife to cook meals for you if both of you are working and she doesn’t have much time to prepare.

Now, try to reexamine each other’s toxic habits. Do your partner always prefer hanging out with other people and leaving you alone? Does your spouse always compare you to his/her friend’s spouse or past relationships? These toxic habits always affect the relationship and could lead to jealousy.

In the worst-case scenario, know that your partner’s betrayal will make you stronger. Remember that you can always start over, if he/she leaves you for someone else. Having this mindset can help you to take jealousy lightly. But if there are a lot of red flags, it is time for you to act.

If jealousy persists...

When your jealousy started to cost your life and your relationship, consider getting professional help from a relationship expert, psychologists, or marriage counselors. They have an in-depth understanding of how you can manage your expectations when it comes to dealing with your feelings of resentment and jealousy. Especially if you are a married couple and there are kids involved, saving your relationship should be the first option.

If you are not prepared to go right away into counseling, you may try researching about it first. The wide availability of information online will help you understand what you will go through when you start the process. Check the website of some well-known professional experts, they sometimes have blogs that will help you get more information on dealing with the problems.

Being in a support group can help as well. Learn from their experiences and how they managed to change for the better. Online support groups can have forums, where you can read the member’s conversations and how they were able to get through it. Sometimes, there is an option to sign up anonymously if you want to keep it in private. You may try to join these groups and make a self-assessment after a few weeks to see if you are doing better.

Make sure that your partner is also open to the idea of seeking professional help, and if not, convince her/him by explaining how it will benefit the both of you.

In conclusion, we can say that jealousy is healthy in a relationship – as long as it is not too much. Some may see the problem of being jealous as one of the biggest threats of being together. There are a lot of options nowadays on how to deal with it on easier terms. There is nothing wrong with seeking help if you want to lessen the feeling of jealousy. At the end of the day, we are human - we are capable of feeling anxious every time that we think that there is something wrong.

1 Man fear sexual affairs - but women are more upset if their partner falls in love with someone else - https://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2903444/Men-fear-sexual-affairs-women-upset-partner-falls-love-else.html